I think I am capable of answering this question as I have been into depression. This is just a story of mine that will definitely give justice to this sensitive question. Let us go almost 3 years back, at the beginning of my JEE preparation. I was in a well-known coaching institute after receiving a scholarship from my school as I scored excellent in my 10th grade. I was all prepared and started my journey will other lakhs.
I was the only privileged child from my house studying in a so-called prestigious coaching institute. I started noticing some great facts about such institutes. They don't teach, they do business. They keep an eye on the students who perform great from the beginning itself, it's like wiping the cream off from the cake. They keep shuffling classes and students used to literally fight to get into a better batch. It all felt so undesirably competitive. Days were passing and I was not performing well in weekly tests. It was all so weird and demotivating for me as I was seeing myself drop from an intelligent kid to an average student. A year passed, and all I did was assuring my parents and myself that I can do it.
From preparing for IIT’s, now I was preparing for NIT. A few months later, I gave my first attempt and didn't prepare well. I assured my parents that I will do great in my next attempt which was after three months. But deep down, I realized that It was too late to do anything. Days passed and my board exams arrived. I was not prepared at all, not at all. I was preparing for the past couple of years for JEE exams and now I had the fear of literally doing my worst in the 12th boards.
In December 2018, I felt helpless. I didn't know what to do. I used to cry a lot without anyone noticing me. I used to sleep a lot, I was failing. In some instances, I felt that along with me even my parents and people in my house lost hope in me. I felt devastated, I don't know how to put all those feelings into words. I tried consulting doctors online for help as I was too alone to go and consult someone physically. I was surrounded by many people, but I used to feel lonely a lot. I used to usually lie down, weeping, and trying to convince myself that I will get out of this trauma. I don't know what to call that feeling, I think that's what depression makes someone feels like.
I remember I didn't bathe for 6 days straight during my prelims of the 12th boards. I didn't have many friends as I was an introvert and it was really difficult for me to talk. I had only one friend and I was not that open with her as well about my feelings. I never shared anything in my home, not even my siblings. I thought no one would actually understand it. Months passed, I gave my board exams, MHCET exam, JEE exam, and an entrance exam for Manipal Institute. I was waiting for my exam results with lost hope in my eyes. It was more than six months since I felt alive. I write poems a lot and wrote a couple of poems back then just for relief.
My results started getting declared. I was not able to clear for JEE advanced and my score was low enough to not get admitted to any NIT. I got 70% in the 12th grade and everyone was shocked to see this drop in my intelligence as I scored 90% in the 10th grade. To be honest, I was quite satisfied with this percentage as I knew how quickly I prepared for boards. I was shivering and waiting for my MHCET results as it was my last hope. My MHCET scores made me cry as well, It was not good enough to get into the college my siblings were studying. I felt like a complete loser. Everyone started blaming my low caliber and some said that my brain is weak and can't do anything that requires mindfulness and intelligence. Even my percentage of 10th grade got into the picture as people started saying that I was only good for small competitions and can only learn things thoroughly without using logic. Many such words still prick my heart till now.
I got admission to a low-grade college. I don't feel great about it, but I know that a college can't define one's capability. Trust me, I am not saying this because I failed miserably to get into any prestigious colleges. That failure of my life still haunts me often, even after 2 years. People still remind me of how failed I am. I find it embarrassing to talk about my grades and often feel left out amongst my siblings when they talk about academics and their plans. They don't feel that I am capable of any masters. I don't discuss such things with them as I feel down about myself whenever I talk about it. I still cry thinking about it. I am reminded about the status of my scores and colleges quite often and It feels bad of course. I think I have forgiven myself and moved on with a better perspective of the future and hope that the scars of my failures go off soon. I want my loved ones to gain hope again for myself.
I made mistakes, I learned a lot about myself and life in that phase.
I don't want to play the victim as I was never a one. I am still healing and doing better. I am doing my IT Engineering and I am trying my best that my past doesn’t affect my present and my future. I still feel alone many times, but I hope to get better and the best. I have gained an optimistic way to deal with problems and I have learned to accept failures and shortcomings with a grin.
I live in the moment and have a better perspective on life.
My depression was a blessing, in form of failures that taught me a lot.
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